Humor: Genealogy Jokes

Those Lost Records

"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady.
She then turned to a second lady & asked, "And how far back does your family go?"
"I don't know;" was the reply, "All of our records were lost in the Flood."

{ Thanks, Leitha Trefren }

From "Dear Abby" newspaper column-

Dear Abby:
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend
a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
-Sam in California

Dear Sam: Yes. Run for public office.

{ Thanks, Geo Dosch }

You know you're taking genealogy too seriously if ...

You are the only person to show up at the cemetery research party with a shovel;

To put the "final touches" on your genealogical research, you've asked all of your closest relatives to provide DNA samples;

You were instrumental in having "non-genealogical use of the genealogy room copy machine" classified as a federal hate crime;

Your house leans slightly toward the side where your genealogical records are stored;

You decided to take a two-week break from genealogy and the U.S. Postal Office immediately laid off 1,500 employees;

Out of respect for your best friend's unquestioned reputation for honesty and integrity, you are willing to turn off that noisy surveiliance camera while she reviews your 57 genealogical research notebooks in your home. The armed security guard, however, will remain;

You plod merrily along "refining" your recently published family history, blissfully unaware that the number of errata pages now far exceeds the number of pages in your orginal publication;

During an ice storm and power outage, you ignore the pleas of your spouse and place your last quilt around that 1886 photograph of dear Uncle George;

The most recent document in your "missing ancestors" file is a 36 page contract between you and Johnson Billboard Advertising Company;

Ed McMahon, several TV cameras and an envelope from Publishers Clearing House arrive at your front door on Super Bowl Sunday, and the first thing you say is, "Are you related to the McMahons of Ohio?"

"A Loving Family" and "Financial Security" have moved up to second and third, respectively, on your list of life's goals, but still lag far behind "Owning MY Own Microfilm Reader";

A magical genie appears and agrees to grant your any one wish, and you ask that the 1890 census be restored.

{ Thanks, Lyle Atkinson }

Top 10 indicators that you've become a Geneaholic:

10. You introduce your daughter as your descendant;
9. You've never met any of the people you send e-mail to, eventhough you're related;
8. You can recite your lineage back eight generations, but can't remember your nephew's name;
7. You have more photographs of dead people than of living ones;
6. You've even taken a tape recorder and a notebook to a family reunion;
5. You've not only read the latest GEDCOM standard, but also you understand it;
4. The local genealogy society borrows books from you;
3. The only film you've seen in the last year was the 1880 census index;
2. More than half of your CD collection is made up of marriage records or pedigrees;
1. Your elusive ancestor has been spotted in more different places than Elvis!

The One That Got Away

I went looking for an ancestor; I cannot find him still.
He moved around from place to place and did not leave a will.
He married where a courthouse burned. He mended all his fences.
He avoided any man who came to take the US census.

He always kept his luggage packed, this man who had no fame.
And every 20 years, this rascal changed his name.
His parents came from Europe, they could be on some list
Of passengers to the USA; but somehow he got missed.

And no one else anywhere is searching for this man.
So I play geneasolitaire to find him if I can.
I'm told he's buried in a plot, with tombstone he was blessed;
But the weather took the engraving, and some vandal took the rest.

He died before the county clerks decided to keep records.
No family Bible has emerged in spite of all my efforts.
To top it off, this ancestor, who has caused me many groans,
Just to give me one more pain, betrothed a girl named JONES! Is Genealogy more Fun or more Funny?

Old genealogists never die; they just lose their census.

Most of my family roots are underground.
My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.
Many a family tree needs pruning.
A great many family trees were started by grafting
Every family tree has some sap in it.
A family tree can wither if nobody tends its roots.
My family tree died in the last drought.
My family tree is lost in the forest somewhere.
My family tree must have been used for firewood.
My family tree is full of knot holes... it's kNot him; it's kNot her!
Hey! There's a flock of bird-brains in my family tree!
Why are there so many gnarled limbs on my family tree?
Trees without roots fall over.
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples.
My roots only go down so far, but my branches spread forever!

My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
My hobby is genealogy; I raise dust bunnies as pets.
How can one ancestor cause so much Trouble??
My family came on the Mayflower ... or was it Allied?
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

My family coat of arms ties at the back ... is that normal?
Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!
It's 2002 ... Do you know where your Great-Great-Grandparents are?
I'm searching for myself ... Have you seen me?
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.

A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.
After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
Am I the only person up my tree? ... sure seems like it.
Can a first cousin once removed ... Return?
I'm not stuck; I'm ancestrally challenged.

Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease, but I love it.
Genealogists are time unravelers.
Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards as progress.

Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide...I seek!
Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
Genealogists live in the past lane.
Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
Genealogy - it's only an obsession after all!

Genealogy ... will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
Genealogists do it for generations.
Old genealogists never die, they just haunt cemeteries.
Genealogists are like monkeys, always in the trees.
Evolution is God's way of issuing updates.

I want to find All of them! So far I only have a few thousand.
A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
I Should have asked them Before they died!
I think my ancestors had several bad heir days.
Share your knowledge; it is a way to achieve immortality.

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.
Shh! Be very, very quiet ... I'm hunting forebears.
Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
That's strange ... half my ancestors are Women!

I'm not sick; I've just got fading genes.
Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree.
Problem with the gene pool: No lifeguard.
I'm stuck in my family tree, and I can't get down.

Always willing to share my ignorance...
Whoever said "Seek and Ye shall find" was Not a genealogist!
Documentation ... the hard part.
My sources are secret (besides, I don't know where I left them).
Remember, undocumented genealogy is mythology.

I used to have a life; then I started doing genealogy.
My life has become one large Gedcom!!
My problems are all relative.
Okay, so I don't descend from anyone... now what?
Snoopers welcome! Feel free to provide comments & relatives!

Someday You'll be an ancestor too!
What do you mean my Birth Certificate expired?
What do you mean my grandparents didn't have any kids?!
Who's in charge of washing the Family Group Sheets?
Your genealogy is never done!

All the really important information is on that missing page ...
I researched my family tree ... and apparently I don't exist!
When you search for ancestors, you find great friends!
So many ancestors ..... So little time!
Wow!! Look Who signed Adam's birth certificate!