A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
    "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
    Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
    Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
    The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
    "Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

A little old man shuffled slowly into the Orange Dipper ice cream parlor, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
    "No," he replied, "arthritis."

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment; killing him instantly.
    Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
    She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I figured at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly."

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
    Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
    "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
    "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

I've sure gotten old!
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
    Have lost all my friends.
    But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

Old age ain't no place for sissies.   ~Bette Davis

STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT:
    A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
    "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing ... and," he paused to take another drink of beer ...
    The Old Fart took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them.
    "Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding.

When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this. A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk... with hours of hard work and little compensation.
    When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!
    She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."

Here is her entry:

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.   ~Janette Barber

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession: "Father, during WW2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."
    The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess."
    "It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favors."
    "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."
    "Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind. I have one more question."
    "And what is that?" asked the priest.
    The old man replied, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

A 90 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
    The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
    George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, Poof! .. the light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! .. the light goes off."
    "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
    A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! .. the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! .. the light goes off?"
    "Oh my God!", Ethel exclaims, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Be nice to your children -- They'll pick your nursing home.

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
    I drove to the reservation, handed my certificate to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for.
    The old man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you will be able to perform as long as you want."
    I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
    He replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
    I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men!
    My wife was excited and began undressing ... then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

If you remember the '60s, you weren't really there.

An airline pilot had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required him to stand at the door, smile, and give the passengers a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline," while they exited. In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
    Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said: "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
    "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
    She asked, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Test for Old Kids

This is a test for us old kids! The answers are printed below, same color as this background. Just highlight to see them.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind? ____________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ___________________________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _________________________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best _______________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ______________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named _______________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night and "____________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their _______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & ___________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to _______________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _______________.

Answers: 1. silver bullet,     2. Ed Sullivan Shew,     3. on route 66,
4. to protect the innocent,     5. the lion sleeps tonight,     6. limbo,
7. chaaaahhk-let,     8. Louis Armstong,     9. Timex watch
10. Freddie the Freeloader & God bless,     11. draft cards,     12. bug & beetle,
13. Buddy Holly,     14. sputnik,     15. hula hoop